Attempting to not fail

“What I’ve experienced is that I can’t know the future. I can’t know if anything that I do will change what happens tomorrow. I can’t know with certainty, but what I do know is if I do nothing, nothing will change.” ~ James Orbinski

Because I am back on Weight Watchers now, I am drawn to anything about it, either in the news, on the web, when someone talks about it.

As I logged into Facebook this morning, there was a post on the WW wall asking, "If you could do anything and not fail at it, what would you do?"

I was taken aback at first.  Don't we go into everything we do with a nod to failure?  I like to think that I walk around spouting that for me FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.  I mean, how can we learn if there is no option for failure?

What is it about ourselves that makes us so afraid of failing?  I'm sure we've all failed at something at least once in our lifetimes.  For me, as a child, it was MATH.  In the beginning of my educational career, I did just fine.  Adding and subtracting were EASY.  When they attempted to teach us multiplication and division, I became sadly lost.  Weird, right?  If I could master the earlier equations, why couldn't I do these, which clearly involved some sort of adding and subtracting anyway?  Don't EVEN ask me about fractions.

Fast forward to adulthood.  I went through high school and college as what they call a Skinny Minny.  I didn't even have a chest until senior year of college.   Pretty much wore a training type bra until then. Seriously.  I graduated, started working and being able to eat better and packing on the pounds.  I joined Weight Watchers then, and lost 42 lbs.  I looked amazing again.  I even kept it off for two years.  Then, I met my husband, and in the throes of our early love, we ate like crazy.  I was still in the mind of the way to a guy's heart is through his stomach, but I included my own stomach and gained again.  FAILURE.

Next time I attempted weight loss, I did it on my own and lost about 25 lbs.  Still could not keep it off.  I was feeling great and then suffered the loss of my dad.  The depression sent me into an eating frenzy and I gained it all back and more.  FAILURE.

Four years ago, I joined WW AGAIN and took off 52 lbs.  I was doing so well and then was dealt my own health setback.  I focused on the fact that I was going to get through this issue, but honestly, the stress of all the tests, the operation that followed and the recovery, I failed yet again.

Now, I'm back on the journey.  I have A LOT of weight to lose.  What's different now?  I refuse to let failure be an option.  When I say this, I mean on the whole.  I know that I won;t be successful if I beat myself up about every setback, but this time I'm focusing on not having any.  I'm already feeling so good with the small changes I've made in my eating habits, that I'd be dumb to not fully embrace this.

And, I will not fail.

Back On The Journey

So, here's to new beginnings...

I've decided in this New Year of 2013 to rejoin Weight Watchers.

Two things to know about me:

1. I don't make resolutions.  I'm not very good at keeping them.
2. I do follow through quite well on personal commitments.  See 2008-2009 and my over 50 lb. weight loss in a 9 month span.

One may think there is no difference here.  Obvi, there is for me.  I don't like the resolution because it has a name and everyone is going to question you about it.  And, it always comes with a slightly whiny voice, "What did you resolve to do this year"?  You know what, none of your business, whiny, annoying person.  

For me to accomplish anything in my life and that includes day-to-day stuff at work, I need to make silent commitment to myself.  It always works.

In the past three years or so, I have joined and rejoined WW and also tried to lose with Spark People.  SP is very well intentioned, but without any real people to listen to and to listen to you, it hasn't been a success for me.  When you log into the site, they give you awards just for visiting it.  What's that about?  Clearly, I don't need awards for visiting a website; if there were awards for that sort of thing on TV, I would be a clear winner.  I could be called up to the podium by Ryan Gosling, say, or Brad Pitt after he's taken a shower - a long one (if you don't know, there is an industry secret that he reeks).  I'd be all gushy and thanking, who I don't know, because this is my journey.  I'd thank me - thanks for visiting TV Line today.  Great job reading about the soaps.  Now we know how silly these awards are and they can't possibly motivate you to lose any weight.

In all honesty, I really just want to be healthy.  I do have to say that it is very motivating to me that after only doing this again for a few days, I am already feeling better.  This could all be psychological, but at the end of the day, if something motivates me to continue on this journey, I'll take it.

I'll be back soon to recap my week and my successes and failures.  It's all part of the journey and I hope you join me.

Lessons learned and re-thinking plans

Oy.

There's not much more I can say about this week. It has been an eternity since I've written a new post.

I've been really bad at following my original plan, and in the last few months, I have regained nearly 20 lbs. Nope, not proud of myself at all.

People say, "you don't look like you've gained". Gee, thanks!

I decided to change primary care providers recently. I really like my previous doctor, but he is getting up in age, and honestly, looking at his crooked toupe each visit was slightly disturbing. But I digress.

After Thanksgiving and the ridiculous amounts of food I ate that day and the enitre weekend, I started feeling odd stomach pains. Cut to the new doc and an appointment. Walked in, waited over an hour to see him. BP checked - get this, 190/120 - WHAAAAAAAT?

Last time it was checked, nearly a year ago, it was 110/90. What the hell had I done to myself? Clearly I am not paying attention to taking care of myself. Right away, they put me in a room, told me to take this orangeish pill and lay down. Huh? It was all happening so fast. I was freaking out. Probably didn't help that I dissolved into tears when the doctor gave me the numbers. "Are you like this all the time?", he asked. I'm like, "Uh, no!" Girl comes back in 20 mminutes and the numbers are down. Okay, but not enough, it seems. Other half of pill is given. "Lay down for a little while longer", she says. OMG! 20 more minutes go by and I'm crawling out of my skin. Doc comes in and says it has gone down more, but the lower number is better than the higher. He writes a prescription for meds and tells me to go home, take one tonight, and one per day; come back Thursday. So soon? All righty, then.

Thursday... BP still high. So now they've doubled the dose (not thrilling me, due to the cost of this stuff).

So, I'm still learning. I suppose we will do this until we leave this lovely earth. I'm going to write more. Still need to undergo a test to see what the stomach stuff is... December is a month of doctor visits, and getting back on track.

Stay with me...

Caveat Empty (the refrigerator)

I believe we all need to empty our refrigerators from time to time. You know, there could be something rotting in there (don't judge - you know this has happened to you). I don't believe we need to do this daily - yes, we need to eat, but not the way I have been doing lately.

I started this blog to talk about weight loss issues - my issues and how I overcame them to lose a whopping 50 lbs. in 9 months! Well, lately, I have been on all sorts of plateaus. Today, I am proud of myself, because an obnoxious response from someone in my office could have caused me to head straight to the deli to get something sinful to eat, but I didn't. For some odd reason, I tend to forget that I purchased a very delicious box of Chocolate Mint Vita Tops a while back. This is good, since, if I remembered this every day, I could end up eating the whole box - yeah, that would be 2,400 calories in one sitting - is that still low in points with all the fiber I'd be consuming? (each one has like 6 grams of fiber and only 100 calories). No, silly - that would be one day of points and then I might look like a walking Vita Top. Look, they are very nice looking, but I didn't start a diet to look like a chocolate muffin top, which would happen if I did this very thing. I could imagine walking down the street - people would say, what a pretty chocolate muffin top! OK, I am waking up from this ridiculous dream.

I know I am getting off topic here... my point is I want to be able to get back to what prevents me from the success I initially achieved. 2009 has been quite an emotional year. The poor economy in the U.S. finally hit my company, and in March, we learned that our salaries would be cut by 10%. At first, it did not bother me too much. As time went on, it began to, and my eating issues followed. I wish I did not let stuff like this bother me. Of course, I am only human and I know I can't escape it.

How do I get my focus back? Do I need to attend WW meetings again? Maybe. I recently felt that I could do this myself. I could follow my points program without attending meetings. It doesn't seem like that is working.

OK, I am making a new plan. I am committing to attending at least one meeting by the end of next week. If I do that, I can stick to it. They always say you have to try something once, and you will know if you really want to do it. I want to lose more weight. I don't want to get back to my former size. I hated it. I love fitting into the size I am now (and it doesn't hurt that I am getting a gift from a pal who I helped with her office transition - a $250 pair of jeans from her company in my current size!). Don't want to screw that up! Keep up with the blog to see how I do!

How something insignificant impedes my progress...

Wow; I have really been on a plateau lately. I'm not sure why a scheduled day of fasting makes me eat even more than I normally do. Psychologically, I'm thinking that if I do "fat stores", I will be okay the day of the fast. This does not work.

The interesting aspect of this all - I'm not really gaining anything. I just continue to stay at the same weight I've been after gaining nearly 16 lbs., and losing 6. My real plan to is to stay on track and lose more than what I gained. I want to do this as I never really reached the original goal I set for myself. I patted myself on the back for a very long time after losing 50 lbs. That's easy to do when you get a lot of compliments on how you look. Listen, for me, this is not about numbers, but it is about how I'm feeling. I am totally amazed at how just a small number of pounds can make you feel not well again. That was my wake-up call. Stop patting yourself on the back and get in the game again.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I was totally excited by the return of "The Biggest Loser". I started watching only last season, but what a season it was! So inspiring! This season, not so much. I began to watch last night's episode, which occured immediately after last week's weigh-in (this is normal, for those of you who don't watch). If the group dropped a total of 150 lbs., no one would go home. They ended up dropping 155 lbs., and they even had a 15 lb. advantage from a challenge. I was excited for them, since they really, really need to be there. This week, however, made me feel like the show is channeling Survivor. When I watched last season, I felt that the challenges were things they could handle psychologically. This season, much like the aforementioned jungle reality show, the challenges are causing them to make choices they are not ready to make, and it is affecting the entire group. Both challenges were won by a woman who began the competition by collapsing during a one-mile run/walk, ending up in the hospital with a still-unknown ailment. Obviously, her weight caused what ever problem she had, but we haven't been told what really happened to her. The two challenges were choice based: "Would you rather ____ or ____?" - first asked to decide whether they wanted a 2-lb. advantage or their trainers, this girl quickly decided she needed the 2-lbs. Problem is, she neglected to discuss this with her partner, and it affected his week. He needed the trainers (although, the way they are acting this year, I could do without them - no need to be so mean). Next, they were challenged to not eat cupcakes. The winner would be who ever could eat the most cupcakes. That person would win, and the prize was controlling who got to be weighed in each team pairing. As I said before, the same woman won. Impulsively, she ate 4 cupcakes. Only one other person ate, and he consumed only two. So, now she controlled the game.

While this may all sound quite tedious, it fully impacts anyone who is on a diet and exercise program. You absolutely cannot make rash decisions. You have to think about everything you are putting in your mouth, and you need to take the time to think about it. In the real world, what you do with your diet does not control the people around you and how they eat. But anyone who watches this show or reads this blog needs to follow a plan. Please don't let the decision made on this show affect what you are doing. I'm trying not to let it affect me. But it is.

The real "Biggest Loser" is back!

I was so excited to watch the season premiere of "The Biggest Loser" last night. While I know this is always an emotional journey, I don't think I was prepared for this season's contestants. Everything started out fine, with the theme this season being "second chances". We even have a contestant from last year, Dan, who already lost 142 lbs. on the show in season 7 (he was a fan favorite).

Each contestant has gone through something that has lead to their obesity. Abby lost her entire family in a car accident when her youngest was only 2 weeks old. She believes that she was not in the car for a reason, and feels her fate is sealed in that she can have this second chance at being healthy and moving on with her life. Julio and his wife (not a contestant) decided that at age 40, they would make healthy changes - they promised their daughters as much. Shay, the largest contestant in all 8 seasons, was raised by a heroin-addict mother who chose living on the streets over providing shelter for her daughter. As a result, she ended up in foster care, where she was able to get some love and a great education (she is a social worker), but at the start of the season, weighs a staggering 476 lbs. I don't even know how you can get there. Even at my heaviest weight, I was aware of how big I was getting and made several attempts to lose the weight. She seems to have had no clue and is now embarrassed at how big she has gotten. It was great to see her lose a substantial amount of weight in the first week. I hope she really sticks with it, because 30 is too young to die.

I'm looking forward to next week's episode, where hopefully, as in episode one, no one ends up in the hospital for just exercising. Two contestants suffered this fate, and as of the end of the episode, only one was back at the ranch.

This show is so inspiring. Watch it if you have a chance. Even if you are at a healthy weight, you can learn something!

Plateaus

I decided this morning, based purely on receiving an email from a former professor who has a blog (and has been quite a frequent poster), and the mere fact that I haven't written a post in nearly two weeks, that I have plateaued.

Webster's (the dictionary, not the little guy on 80's TV) defines a plateau thusly:

pla-teau
Pronunciation: \pla-'to, 'pla-\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural plateaus or pla-teaux \-'toz
Etymology: French, from Middle French, platter (hmmmm...) from plat flat
Date: 1796 (people have been exhibiting this behavior for a while now, huh?)

1 a: a usually extensive land area having a relatively level surface raised sharply above adjacent land on at least one side: TABLELAND b: a similar undersea feature
2 a: a region of little or no change in a graphic representation b: a relatively stable level, period, or condition (this sounds like me)
3 a: a level of attainment or achievement (okay, are you as confused as me yet?)

Maybe I need to Google the word. Clearly, this plateau thing applies quite well to weight loss, whether you have a reached a goal you want to climb the mountain tops to share, or if you have simply hit a spot in your progress that is stagnant.

Listen, I knew when I got back on this road, that there would be periods where there would be no movement on the scale (up or down).

I see my pattern here. And currently, I am listening to the fabulous Beatles tell me: "Because the world is round..." I am suddenly believing this has something to do with my plateau. The intelligent me knows this can't be true, but there are people out there who think this rules their days, so I can't be that far off.

My new goal is to just get through this. I am doing everything right: keeping a food journal, which besides having fun with making a neat cover for it, has actually been fun and informative, sticking to my daily points, adding exercise to my routine (yeah, some days, that last one seems to be the thing that I put last). I know that I will. Starting today...