Monday, January 28, 2013

Staying on Track

I'm really proud of myself; I'm down 5.4 lbs in just 3 weeks.  You might think, "Why wouldn't she be proud of herself?  That's a great accomplishment!"

If you're reading the blog, you know that I've done Weight Watchers before and lost 52 lbs. in 8 months.  I was so proud of myself then.  I even kept it off for a year.  So, what went wrong?  Pretty much everything.  While I was patting myself on the back for the weight loss, I found out that I had a tumor on my adrenal gland.  The tumor was not malignant, however, it was causing me a lot of pain and stress.  You would think that the doctor would want to take that puppy out right away.  But, of course not.  Even though he was 95% sure this tumor was a, get this, pheochromacytoma (say that ten times fast), he needed to do a myriad of tests to be completely sure.  I was hoping the tests would show he was completely wrong, because, to be honest, I did not plan for having holes cut in my abdomen any time at all.  Sadly, he was not wrong, and the surgery was scheduled.  Due to all the stress, I gained about 15 lbs. back prior to the surgery.  Because the tumor was affecting my blood pressure and the amount of adrenalin I produced, the doctor was on me to lose that weight.  I could not do it.  In fact, I became a stress eater, even after knowing I was going to be completely okay.

Most people think stress eating is not even a real thing.  It is.  Sometimes you don't even know you are overeating because of stress.  For me, most of the time I did, but I didn't care.  I could not get myself to a place where I wanted to be completely better.  How sad is that?  

They (whoever they are) always say that in order to make a change in your life, you need to want it.  No smoker is going to quit unless they really want to.  I know this to be true, because I watched my father try to quit numerous times.  He even went back to smoking after having cancer and 2 heart attacks.  It's what ultimately did him in, but not before riddling his whole body with tumors.  I think about that all the time, but until now it didn't faze me enough to want to change.

Now, I want it more than ever.  I suppose it is because I am reaching the end of my 40s (not that soon, nosy!) and I want to make the rest of my life a healthful one.  

So, how can we plan for this?  Truthfully, there is no concrete plan, but you have to do what is best for you.  For me, it is being back on Weight Watchers and attending meetings.  I personally need that kind of support.  In my last try at this, I was secretly angry at people who were on the program but only had a little to lose.  Now I know I should not have been judging them.  They obviously were there because they thought they needed to lose their weight.  I know now it isn't about numbers.  It always has to be about how you feel.  Of course, you won't feel good unless you find something that works for you and for me this is it.

Find your own plan.  Again, I'm writing about weight loss, but if there is something else you need tyo change in your life (maybe you smoke too much) try creating a plan for yourself and track your progress.  For me, tracking is key, but it isn't the end all be all of the plan.  I just want to feel better and I know that following this plan is going to work.  I believe.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Slow And Steady Wins The Race

I'm proud to say that in my first week back on WW, I lost 2.2 lbs.  To be honest, it is less than I wanted to lose.  My last time around at this, I took 6 lbs. off the first week.  I couldn't believe that was even possible.

When I first sat down waiting for the meeting today, I had a tiny bit of sadness.  I did everything they told me I should be doing.  Remember, if I am going to do something, I have to go all-in.  Suggestions were to change your spaces, so I cleaned out the refrigerator and the cabinets.  I replaced all the bad stuff with vegetables, fruits (most zero points), lean protein and lots of good whole grains.  I'm on a new kick eating things with flax.  Everything these days comes with added flax.  Oatmeal, bread, even pasta.  Glad to know this, as it makes it easy, and truthfully, this stuff actually tastes way better.  I know, you'd think high fiber foods have a weird taste, but that's not the case at all.

The leader asked who was new from last week.  I reluctantly raised my hand, and I wonder why it was reluctant because last time I did this, I was chatty Cathy in the meeting room.  Then she pointed to each of us and we had to say what worked for us and if we lost weight.  I suddenly had an epiphany; this stuff is cathartic.  When the first girl said she lost 7 lbs. in her first week, I wanted to smack her, but it ends up that now that she's drinking water instead of wine in her many client shmooze fests, she lost because alcohol is a killer.  I don't tend to drink much at all, so I didn't have that to give up.  I'm now glad that I lost at all.

I also started walking more.  How nice for all of us in NYC that the weather has been milder this last week.  I have a DVD from WW, but I need to figure out what to do with my living room; if I'm going to change my spaces, I need a space that is good for exercising.  Right now, I'd just fall over and hit the wall unit, and that wouldn't be good, right?

Luckily, my husband is all-in, too.  That's what helped me the last time and I'm sure it will help me now.

Now I'm looking forward to next week.  I hope to lose some more, but if I don't, I won't berate myself.  I'll just move forward, slow and steady.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Attempting to not fail

“What I’ve experienced is that I can’t know the future. I can’t know if anything that I do will change what happens tomorrow. I can’t know with certainty, but what I do know is if I do nothing, nothing will change.” ~ James Orbinski
Because I am back on Weight Watchers now, I am drawn to anything about it, either in the news, on the web, when someone talks about it.

As I logged into Facebook this morning, there was a post on the WW wall asking, "If you could do anything and not fail at it, what would you do?"

I was taken aback at first.  Don't we go into everything we do with a nod to failure?  I like to think that I walk around spouting that for me FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.  I mean, how can we learn if there is no option for failure?

What is it about ourselves that makes us so afraid of failing?  I'm sure we've all failed at something at least once in our lifetimes.  For me, as a child, it was MATH.  In the beginning of my educational career, I did just fine.  Adding and subtracting were EASY.  When they attempted to teach us multiplication and division, I became sadly lost.  Weird, right?  If I could master the earlier equations, why couldn't I do these, which clearly involved some sort of adding and subtracting anyway?  Don't EVEN ask me about fractions.

Fast forward to adulthood.  I went through high school and college as what they call a Skinny Minny.  I didn't even have a chest until senior year of college.   Pretty much wore a training type bra until then. Seriously.  I graduated, started working and being able to eat better and packing on the pounds.  I joined Weight Watchers then, and lost 42 lbs.  I looked amazing again.  I even kept it off for two years.  Then, I met my husband, and in the throes of our early love, we ate like crazy.  I was still in the mind of the way to a guy's heart is through his stomach, but I included my own stomach and gained again.  FAILURE.

Next time I attempted weight loss, I did it on my own and lost about 25 lbs.  Still could not keep it off.  I was feeling great and then suffered the loss of my dad.  The depression sent me into an eating frenzy and I gained it all back and more.  FAILURE.

Four years ago, I joined WW AGAIN and took off 52 lbs.  I was doing so well and then was dealt my own health setback.  I focused on the fact that I was going to get through this issue, but honestly, the stress of all the tests, the operation that followed and the recovery, I failed yet again.

Now, I'm back on the journey.  I have A LOT of weight to lose.  What's different now?  I refuse to let failure be an option.  When I say this, I mean on the whole.  I know that I won;t be successful if I beat myself up about every setback, but this time I'm focusing on not having any.  I'm already feeling so good with the small changes I've made in my eating habits, that I'd be dumb to not fully embrace this.

And, I will not fail.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Back On The Journey

So, here's to new beginnings...

I've decided in this New Year of 2013 to rejoin Weight Watchers.

Two things to know about me:
  1. I don't make resolutions.  I'm not very good at keeping them.
  2. I do follow through quite well on personal commitments.  See 2008-2009 and my over 50 lb. weight loss in a 9 month span.
One may think there is no difference here.  Obvi, there is for me.  I don't like the resolution because it has a name and everyone is going to question you about it.  And, it always comes with a slightly whiny voice, "What did you resolve to do this year"?  You know what, none of your business, whiny, annoying person.  

For me to accomplish anything in my life and that includes day-to-day stuff at work, I need to make silent commitment to myself.  It always works.

In the past three years or so, I have joined and rejoined WW and also tried to lose with Spark People.  SP is very well intentioned, but without any real people to listen to and to listen to you, it hasn't been a success for me.  When you log into the site, they give you awards just for visiting it.  What's that about?  Clearly, I don't need awards for visiting a website; if there were awards for that sort of thing on TV, I would be a clear winner.  I could be called up to the podium by Ryan Gosling, say, or Brad Pitt after he's taken a shower - a long one (if you don't know, there is an industry secret that he reeks).  I'd be all gushy and thanking, who I don't know, because this is my journey.  I'd thank me - thanks for visiting TV Line today.  Great job reading about the soaps.  Now we know how silly these awards are and they can't possibly motivate you to lose any weight.

In all honesty, I really just want to be healthy.  I do have to say that it is very motivating to me that after only doing this again for a few days, I am already feeling better.  This could all be psychological, but at the end of the day, if something motivates me to continue on this journey, I'll take it.

I'll be back soon to recap my week and my successes and failures.  It's all part of the journey and I hope you join me.